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Is this how it's supposed to work?

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Nov. 27th, 2011 | 03:57 pm
mood: confusedconfused
posted by: v_nighthawk in o_c_d

As I've stated elsewhere, my current OCD theme is the fear that I'm really gay.  Last night, I decide to hell with it, and accepted the thoughts and images in my head, agreed with them, and tried to hold the image in my head as long as I could. Initially, it scared the hell out of me, and I thought maybe I was gay.  Instead of engaging in compulsions however, I let it go.  Once I calmed down, however, the strangest thing happened.  For the first time in a long time, I felt completely confident that I am in fact heterosexual.  I realized the thoughts were nothing more than that, thoughts, and that the feelings were just anxiety and completely different from my attraction to women.  Is this what is supposed to happen, or am did I just find a new compulsion?

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Comments {14}

David

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from: thisisdavid
date: Nov. 27th, 2011 09:27 pm (UTC)
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Just be gay. Who cares. It's not ocd doing that.

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Vigilante Nighthawk

(no subject)

from: v_nighthawk
date: Nov. 27th, 2011 09:37 pm (UTC)
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Way to troll, smartass.

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Vigilante Nighthawk

(no subject)

from: v_nighthawk
date: Nov. 27th, 2011 09:45 pm (UTC)
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To further clarify, both a gay affirming therapist and an ocd specialist would disagree with you on that. Of course, if having graphic sexual thoughts about your own brother that scare the hell out of you is part of coming out, then maybe I really am gay.

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David

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from: thisisdavid
date: Nov. 27th, 2011 09:48 pm (UTC)
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Well, yes, sorry. I guess if it was about your brother. I didn't read that in the first time. Sorry.

I just didn't want gay to sound like a disease- since I am in fact gay.

But no worries. :)

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Vigilante Nighthawk

(no subject)

from: v_nighthawk
date: Nov. 27th, 2011 10:08 pm (UTC)
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It wasn't just about my brother, but it did include him. No, being gay is not a disease. In fact, most straight people who get hit with this are not homophobic. The problem is, I'm not attracted to men. I've tried desperately to be just to get my brain to shut up, but at the end of the day, men just don't do it for me. It's actually fairly funny. The gay affirming therapist I went to was mystified when she first saw me. She saw no sign that I was in fact gay, and beyond that she saw little in the way of internalized homophobia or any issues that I would have had coming out. In fact, my attitude was if people want to be bigoted idiots, then I just won't give them any of my time, except perhaps to call them out on their bull. (Hell, I've protested FOR gay marriage before this started.) I just didn't want to be with a man.

It is, however, a relatively common theme, and it doesn't just affect straight people. If you look on here, there is a trans man who is afraid of being attracted to women and a lesbian who posted awhile back that she would have intrusive thoughts about men. Just google sexual orientation OCD, gay ocd, or H-OCD for more information.

I'm also sorry about the way I reacted. Part of it is just the spike issue. (Imagine someone telling a hand washer that they can get HIV off a door knob, for example.) Beyond that though, it's a feeling that people don't understand. Enough people outside of the OCD community don't understand what I'm going through, but to be told here to come out here is just a slap in the face. Believe me, if it were that simple, I would have done. In fact, I HAVE done it, but it didn't make the images any less scary, and didn't make me any less attracted to women, and it didn't make men attractive.

The last part of it is that I just want this to be over. If it is coming out of the closet to myself, then that's fine, but given how well that worked in the past, it doesn't seem to be. I'm hoping that perhaps I've finally found the key to putting an end to this. I can't afford to go back to the OCD specialist right now to undergo proper ERP, and right now I'm on medication. It's made it possible for me to work again and not be scared all of the time, and the graphic images are gone. It's just the constant doubts.

Did I just train myself to be attracted to women? Is my lack of attraction to men just because I'm that repressed? Will all it take is finding the right guy to bring it out, and what happens if I've already found a woman that I'm love with when that happens? Will I have to leave her? Will a switch get flipped that will cause me to stop being attracted to women? Will I never know the joy of looking at a beautiful woman again, or desire to hold her again, or know the excitement of seeing a gorgeous women naked? That's what I've been going through.

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David

(no subject)

from: thisisdavid
date: Nov. 27th, 2011 11:23 pm (UTC)
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Well, I guess you will know what's up when the time comes either way. :)

I'm going to go out on a whim here and add you to my LJ.

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Nagareboshi ☆彡 Ri

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from: rifumi
date: Nov. 27th, 2011 10:31 pm (UTC)
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This is what's supposed to happen, the anxiety becoming a separate entity, no longer hiding behind other thoughts.

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demiraks_world

(no subject)

from: demiraks_world
date: Nov. 27th, 2011 11:04 pm (UTC)
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That's how it's supposed to work!
Hang on to the thoughts and anxiety and let them be until they pass.

Congrats and keep it up! The more you can combat your thoughts in this way, the weaker they'll become!

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Vigilante Nighthawk

(no subject)

from: v_nighthawk
date: Nov. 28th, 2011 01:15 am (UTC)
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Thanks for the support. Between this and the ten or so other themes I've had over the past two decades, I'm about ready give this thing the *** kicking it deserves.

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demiraks_world

(no subject)

from: demiraks_world
date: Nov. 28th, 2011 01:21 am (UTC)
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Do it!

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Ani Brighid Persephone

(no subject)

from: suicidangel666
date: Nov. 27th, 2011 11:20 pm (UTC)
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That's how it works in keeping the anxiety down. Yes. </p>

I do want to let you know though, that if you have sexual thoughts towards another male, no matter the relationship, doesn't really define you. If you do happen to want relations with another man, maybe explore that could be a possibility. I know not with your brother, but just stay open to the thought that MAYBE you could branch out. :).

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Vigilante Nighthawk

(no subject)

from: v_nighthawk
date: Nov. 28th, 2011 01:12 am (UTC)
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That's the strangest thing about this. Somehow, I know I don't want that. I can't explain it either. There isn't anything wrong with it, but I just don't feel it, and for reasons I can't fathom, the idea of being with a man in and of itself makes me sad. I went over it with a gay affirming therapist, and she couldn't either. I don't want kids. I'm not ashamed of the idea. It's something about women that men don't have, and for the life of me I can't tell you what it is.

As for the sexual thoughts, I have to clarify that it's not attraction. I've never had any sort of sexual desire towards a man that I'm aware of. Before I was on my medication, the thoughts would result in extreme panic and anxiety. The only thing that has been keeping this going are a) married men who leave their wives, and b) I'll notice attractive men at times (as in see them and think they are attractive.) That's it. I'm just happy I can work again.

Also, I don't want to seem like being gay is wrong. I have no idea why this theme hit me. I wasn't raised in a homophobic household, and my parents never assumed anything about our sexual orientations. I actually emailed Dr. Fred Penzel about it, and he said often there isn't a rhyme or reason behind why you get the themes you do. (Also, I do want to apologize if I seem defensive about this. My head has been pounding this into my head for two years almost non-stop now. To be honest, I a part of me doesn't care who I end up with or end up attracted to as long as my brain finally shuts up and let's me be happy.)

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demiraks_world

(no subject)

from: demiraks_world
date: Nov. 28th, 2011 01:25 am (UTC)
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Its an extremely common theme.

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Rosemary

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from: sophy
date: Dec. 8th, 2011 02:13 am (UTC)
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Good for you, and YES, I've learned that when I stopped fighting my intrusive thoughts and just kind of go "yup, I'm having that thought. I know it's OCD. I don't actually want to do that thing and I know that I don't actually want to do that thing" (mine are about doing bad things to people, btw) - it really is a lot easier for the thought to pass and the anxiety to lessen. If when doing that, when you're finally calm and allowing yourself to feel what you naturally feel - you know you aren't gay, then I'm guessing this is the OCD intrusive thoughts thing.

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